My Wardrobe, Myself

Missing Tile Syndrome

Debbie Roes

May 3, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project.

Today’s post focuses on a concept introduced by author Dennis Prager in his book, “Happiness is a Serious Problem.” I highly recommend this book as a concise and extremely informative book on the often elusive subject of happiness. Dennis presents a number of life-changing philosophies in his book, but one of the best is the concept of the “missing tile syndrome.”

Imagine this Scenario…

Imagine that you are in a dentist’s office having your teeth cleaned and are thus focused on the ceiling above you. As you glance around the room, you notice that one of the ceiling tiles is missing. Although the majority of the ceiling is pristine and perfect, you would likely be transfixed upon that one missing tile for the remainder of your visit.

As human beings, we have a tendency to focus on what is missing instead of on what is present. That is fine for ceilings, as they can be perfect. The danger is when we apply the same focus and filter to our lives…

Even if we have a wonderful and full life, there are always areas which we feel can be better. The positive side of this is that we continue to focus upon learning and growing and bettering our life circumstances. The downside is that we may end up obsessing on that which is missing to such an extent that it detracts from our happiness.

Examples of “Missing Tiles”

A few examples will help to illustrate this point… I had a friend who struggled with infertility issues a number of years ago. She lamented to me that everywhere she went, all she saw were pregnant women and babies. I also knew a divorced woman who would venture out on the weekends, only to notice couples kissing and holding hands all around her. These two women were so completely focused on what they didn’t have, a baby or a partner; they felt as if they were the only ones in their respective positions.

Uncovering Our Hidden Beliefs

Debbie Roes

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April 28, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project.

I recently completed an exercise on beliefs from Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book.” The exercise was straightforward and consisted of sentence completion for nine topics. The objective was to uncover hidden beliefs which may be holding me back in certain areas of my life. In this blog entry, I will share some of the insights that I gained from completing the beliefs exercise.

The topics which were explored in the beliefs exercise were: Men, Women, Love, Sex, Work, Money, Success, Failure, and God. For each word, I wrote the various thoughts which popped into my head. I tried not to think too deeply about the “right” or “best” answers for any of the topics. I spent about twenty minutes uncovering my beliefs and then took some additional time to review my answers and look for insights or “aha moments.”

Some Surprise Beliefs…

For some of the areas, there were no surprises. I knew that I had issues regarding Work, Success and Failure, and I will be writing about those topics in a later post. I also knew that my feelings about Love and God were basically positive in nature. However, the biggest surprise for me in doing the beliefs exercise related to my feelings about men and women. I learned that I have basically positive feelings about men and a lot of not so positive attitudes about women. Because I am a woman, my attitudes about my own gender bear some exploration…

Compulsive Behaviors

Debbie Roes

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April 23, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project.

Last week, I wrote the post “Overspending,” about a recent shopping trip that resulted in my spending too much money and feeling that I had acted in a compulsive manner. Although there were important lessons inherent in that individual experience, it also raised the issue of compulsive behavior in general.

This post is geared toward examining compulsive behavior, getting to the root of why we engage in such destructive actions, and looking at what we can do to begin to turn it around.

Compulsiveness Takes Many Forms…

I shared about my shopping and spending issues, but these are far from the only forms of compulsive behaviors with which I’ve struggled. I’ve also engaged in compulsive overeating, dieting, and exercising, and spending too much time working or surfing the internet, among other things. You may have grappled with similar issues, or you may have had problems with drinking, drugs, gambling, sex, or any number of other maladaptive behaviors. It doesn’t matter which of these behaviors has plagued you, the problem is usually rooted in the same causes.

Years ago, I wanted to write a book called “It’s Not About the Food,” about eating disorders and compulsive overeating. Unfortunately, someone else used this brilliant title before I could, but that won’t stop me from sharing my thoughts on the issue. From my early teens until the very recent past, I struggled with pretty much every eating disorder which a person could have. I was anorexic, bulimic, an obsessive exerciser, and a compulsive overeater. I have been seriously underweight, overweight, and every weight in between, yet my pain was always the same. It was never about the number on the scale or what I did or didn’t do around food. It was always about something else, and the same is true for all other forms of compulsive behavior.

Perspective and Appreciation

Debbie Roes

5 comments

April 20, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project.

Most of us have things about ourselves that we don’t like – or even hate, and we often waste a lot of time and energy resisting or fighting these things. For most of my life, one of my “hates” has been my hair. I have very thick hair, so thick that hairstylists have often commented that I had enough hair for two or three people. My hair is also naturally wavy and predisposed to frizz, tendencies which are intensified by the humid Southern California weather.

My God-given hair has never been the type of hair I wanted. I wanted the straight, sleek hair of a Scandinavian girl – or Jennifer Aniston. I have been fighting my hair texture for as long as I can remember with countless hair products, daily flat-ironing, and a multitude of chemical processes. None of these armaments ever worked to my satisfaction, so I continually searched for the next best thing.

Magic Bullet or Nightmare?

This past November, I thought I had found it. I spent about four hours and over $300 at the hair salon getting what is known as a “keratin smoothing treatment.” The result was not the nirvana I had anticipated; instead it has been a nightmare that I couldn’t have imagined. I experienced some serious breathing problems from the formaldehyde released by the chemical process, and since the product was bonded into my hair, I was unable to remove it despite repeated washings. Consequently, I opted to cut off close to half of my hair in order to minimize the deleterious effects.

Overspending

Debbie Roes

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April 15, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project.

I love to shop! Walking around a boutique or department store, I’m like the proverbial kid in a candy store. I revel in the delights of pristine new clothes, shoes, and accessories.

Sometimes I am content to just look, but more often than not, I feel tempted – or even compelled – to buy. I feel as if I lose my sense of reason and rationality when I find myself face-to-face with new things.

I love to shop, and I often buy far too much!

There’s No Reason for Me to Buy So Much!

I often do buy, and at times it’s just too much. After all, I don’t work in an office surrounded by the same people day in and day out, so I can repeat my outfits more often than those in the corporate world.

In truth, I spend many of my days at home in front of my computer wearing workout clothes. For much of the time, the only ones who see me are my husband and my cats. I do enjoy dressing up for my husband when we go out, but he’s fine seeing me dressed casually at home, and I know the cats don’t care if I’m wearing pajamas or a little black dress! Suffice it to say that I don’t really need a large wardrobe, but need doesn’t seem to factor into the equation much of the time.