I apologize for my lengthy – and unintended – absence from this blog! I’ve been experiencing “writer’s block” lately, so I’m going to combat it by revisiting and finishing some draft posts that I started back when I had a daily writing practice (which is something I’d like to get back to!). It was much easier for me to post on the blog back then, even if some of what I wrote never ended up being published.
Today’s post stems from a 2021 draft about a topic that’s come up for me multiple times over the past few weeks. So, I’ll start to get back on the proverbial horse (of blogging) with the important subject of social anxiety and how worries about what to wear can make it more challenging to deal with.
Clothing Choices for Social Events
Although I’m an introvert who’s fine spending the bulk of my time either alone or with my husband and cats, I occasionally like to get together with friends and attend social events. However, such plans tend to fill me with feelings of anxiety and dread as they draw closer, even when I really want to do them. I’ve struggled with social anxiety for much of my life, which leads me wanting to remain within the safety of my own home a lot of the time. Spending time with other people provokes fear and tension within me in multiple ways, but for the purposes of today’s essay, I’ll focus primarily on just one key factor in my social anxiety:
What am I going to WEAR for these social engagements?
It takes a lot of effort to push myself to get out of my comfort zone to do something social. What makes this even more difficult is that I need to figure out what to wear when I’m going to get together with a friend or attend some sort of social event. I feel like I need to strike a balance between trying to look stylish and feeling emotionally comfortable in what I’m wearing. There’s an intersection between these two aims, but it’s not always easy to find.
I don’t want to be either over- or underdressed, and I certainly don’t want to wear anything that feels fussy or uncomfortable. The trouble is that my sense of comfort, both in a physical and emotional sense, can be a moving target. Additionally, most clothes feel fussy on some level, especially when I’m in a certain type of mood, and the level of formality required for various gatherings can also be ambiguous. Even thinking about all these factors makes me want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. It’s just easier that way!
Clothing Struggles, Insecurity, and Overshopping
You may wonder how a self-confessed “recovering shopaholic” who’s been writing about wardrobe-related topics for over a decade can still be struggling so much with what to wear. I often wonder that myself! But the fact remains that I do struggle – and struggle quite heavily at times – with getting dressed. This has only been compounded by the bodily changes associated with menopause and aging in general.
I feel like I need to choose between what’s flattering and that which I feel most comfortable wearing, and the changing trends and what’s actually available in the stores further complicates this situation. I feel a lot more comfortable in longer, streamlined tops and fitted-but-not-tight pants, and I don’t like the shorter, boxier tops and wide-leg pants that are currently in fashion.
I have come to understand that a significant portion of my struggles with overshopping and my wardrobe in general stem from my body image and insecurity challenges. I’m constantly trying to find clothes in which I’ll feel good enough about my body and attractive enough in social situations. A blog commenter years ago referred to clothing as “armor,” and that resonated deeply with me. Yes, I love clothes and style in general, but that isn’t what leads me to shop too much. It’s my insecurity and a desire to feel good about myself and my body that propels me to buy new clothes.
In honesty, I don’t care a whole lot about trends and being on the cutting edge of fashion. I like what I like, and that’s often not in line with what the fashion world tells me I should wear. Sometimes I have the confidence to just wear what I like and not care what anyone else thinks about it, but a lot of times my insecurities get the better of me and have me second-guessing my outfits. I end up feeling not good enough, which is a feeling I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember. Since I desperately don’t want to feel that way, I keep looking for clothes that I can wear without anxiety that don’t feel so unstylish that other people will judge me for wearing them.
I Want to Spend Time with Friends, But…
It’s so hard for me to get together with friends at all. Even if all we’re going to do is meet for coffee, it often takes me thirty minutes to an hour to figure out what to wear. The process frequently involves multiple outfit changes and feelings of panic leading up to the time when I need to leave the house. After great effort, I finally pull myself together such that I feel that I look “passable,” but my heart often sinks when I catch a glimpse of the friend who I’m meeting that day.
I have some very stylish and attractive friends, and I feel like I don’t measure up to them. Even though I shop a lot and have a full closet, I feel like I’m just not all that fashionable and don’t look as good as my friends do. They always look well put-together and wear stylish, fitted clothes with good proportions. I have a lot of body image issues, so I don’t dress in as flattering and stylish a way as I could. Sometimes I try, but the anxiety is too great and I end up retreating back to my sartorial comfort zone.
If I’m going out somewhere with my husband, I’m much less likely to stress about what I’m wearing than if I’m getting together with friends or going into a situation where I’ll be meeting new people. My husband loves and accepts me no matter what I’m wearing, and he’s not on top of fashion trends and changes. He usually likes what I wear and appreciates the effort that I put into looking nice. I’m sure my friends accept me no matter what I wear, too, but I fear being judged by them and I also worry that I won’t measure up to how they look.
I Long to be a “Style Rebel”
I wish so much that I could be one of those people who isn’t at all worried about the opinions of others regarding my style choices, including my friends. I wish that I could be a “style rebel” who just wears what makes me happy regardless of which way the fashion wind is blowing and what everyone else is wearing.
I think of women like Diane Keaton or Iris Apfel, who both have a clearly defined sense of style that they continually embrace no matter what’s “in” at the moment. Diane will continue to wear her belted blazers and Iris will keep on wearing her bold, colorful accessories even when cropped jackets and neutral pieces are de rigeur. I want to be more like them! I want to show up for whatever social occasion I have going on wearing exactly what I want to wear, even if (heaven forbid!) my outfit cuts me in half rather than reflecting the perfect “golden ratio” proportion of one-third to two-thirds.
But in order to be one of those types of people, I must experience some temporary discomfort. I must grit my teeth a bit, trust myself, and hold my head up high. I need to own my style choices and accept them, even if they’re very different from what my friends are wearing. The me in my twenties and early thirties did this, but then I lost my way as I neared forty and got all wrapped up in “What Not to Wear” and their style “rules.”
To Each Their Own
Yes, there are some outfits that are more objectively flattering than others, but flattery is not always our highest goal. I’m reminded of a woman I follow on Instagram who wears a lot of super-flowy, avant garde ensembles. I wouldn’t wear most of them myself, but I love that she’s such an individual with her style and is happy in her clothes. She sometimes gets rude comments, but she responds to them in a confident and empowered way. She doesn’t let the naysayers get her down, and I admire her for it.
There are those who love to follow the trends, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But there’s also nothing wrong with not following trends. To each their own, as the saying goes. Perhaps we could look at trends as a sort of buffet, from which we can take what most appeals to us and leave the rest.
Some years, a lot appeals to me and it’s easy for me to shop and find things that are in line with my style preferences. Recently, that hasn’t been the case and I can be hard-pressed to find pieces in the colors, patterns, and silhouettes that I most like to wear. That can be more challenging, and I wish the retail landscape wasn’t so homogenous, but we must work with what’s available to us (unless we want to sew our own clothes, which I just might start doing at some point). The bottom line is that we don’t need as many options as we think we do, and it’s perfectly fine to keep wearing our old favorites into the ground.
Conclusion – and Your Thoughts?
I think I just need to get out of my own head and stop overthinking things so much. I also think I need to “fake it until I make it” with my sartorial confidence. I do have a strong sense of what I like, so I should just wear it and do my best not to worry about what anyone else thinks about it. I’ll close with a quote that I – and anyone else who struggles like I do – would do well to keep in mind:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard M. Baruch
Our real friends don’t really care what we wear. Other than one friend who tries to “influence” my style when we shop together, no one ever says anything negative to me about the way I dress. Sometimes I receive compliments, but other times nothing is said. Either way, it’s okay!
I want to dress for myself and not others. I want to be more social and push back on my social anxiety. It will help me in this effort to just embrace what I want to wear and don’t overthink how my friends or others might view my clothes. This won’t necessarily be easy, but like with all things, it will become easier in time.
Thank you for reading! I hope to resume more regular posting again now. To help with this effort, I’ll likely use some more of my old drafts to help me break through the morass of my writer’s block. If you have any feedback regarding today’s essay, feel free to comment. I would especially love to hear from those who have successfully dealt with social anxiety, body image issues, and embracing a unique sense of personal style, but feel free to weigh in however you’d like.
My Wardrobe, Myself 
Hi Debbie, It is so nice to read a new post from you. (I may not always comment but I always read what you write. FYI – I actually find your shorter posts easier to focus my thoughts to see if I might have anything helpful to add.) I specifically was thinking about finding pants that fit and flatter. (I am petite and have a flat behind so I can understand your struggles.) I actually just bought AE Stretch Cargo Straight Pant in Khaki size 0 short. FYI – the short is not that short maybe a 30″ inseam and they also have a long on their website. I am a pretty true 0 with 34″ hips. The fabric is nice, as in soft not stiff, and the gathering at the waist accommodates my bum. I have also found that going with a stiffer fabric can help as well. I tried on the girlfriend jeans in size 25 and I must say that they looked rather cool.
I did realize that I will have to update my shoes to go with these two styles. (I am still trying to decide what wash I want in the girlfriend jeans or if I want to try the patchwork version.)
Right now, I have no pants that fit me well so this is the priority. Also, I am just buying things that fit and are in colors which are flattering to me.
I have been inspired by a good friend of my son who is visiting from out of town. She is transitioning from a man to a woman and she has an authenticity and easy grace which I strive for..
Warm Regards,
Maggie
I forgot to mention that the girlfriend jeans which I tried on are at Loft. Since you last post, I have made myself go into 3 stores (American Eagle, Loft, Anthropologie) which carry my size and actually try things on. Then I order my best size and desired colors online from home.
I wanted to mention that I have been on medication for anxiety for a few years now, and it has changed my life. I owe my thanks to my previous primary care doctor who identified anxiety and not depression as my major struggle. (Sadly, I lost him during COVID.) Feel free to ask any questions. It is one of my goals in life to fight the stigma of the various mental illnesses prevalent in my family of origin. If you want one of most enlightening books I have ever read on the subject, I would suggest, “Listening to Prozac: The Landmark Book About Antidepressants and the Remaking of the Self.” Support groups help me too.
Warm Regards…
I appreciate your sharing this here, Maggie. I’m glad you were able to find a medication that helps you with your anxiety issues. I’m so sorry that you lost your wonderful doctor during COVID. You’re so right that there are too many stigmas in this country (and probably a lot of other countries, too) about mental illness. There’s some mental illness in my family, too, but no one really talked about it. I’ve heard of the book you mentioned, but I’ve never read it.
I took Prozac for years, as well anti-anxiety medication, when I was younger. I haven’t been on such meds for a long time, but I’m not against them by any means. I’ve been focused more on my physical ailments for a long time, but the depression and anxiety has been ongoing (and everything is interconnected). I’m so glad you’re doing a lot better with the meds and support groups. I had some therapy last year, but am going to pursue more help soon. There is no shame in getting help, and I hope that as more people speak out, some of the stigma will go away.
Good for you for going into the stores and trying things on, Maggie! I always try to do that, too, when I can, even if I need to order a tall size online afterwards. Sizing can be all over the map, and we can minimize the tedious buy-return process when we’re able to try things on before buying.
FYI – inseam for AE pants are as follows: Short 29.5-30″ Regular 32.5-33″ Long 34.5-35″
That’s great that the AE pants have longer inseams in the tall sizes than a lot of other stores. Some stores consider 32″-33″ inches to be tall, but that’s never long enough for me! I need 34-35 inch inseams depending upon the type of pant and how high a heel I want to wear.
Thank you so much for your comments, Maggie. I appreciate when you share clothing recommendations here, as so many of us struggle to find options that work for us. Of course, what works for one person might not be good for another, but it’s always nice to be pointed in a direction for what potentially MIGHT work… I’m glad you found some pants that are a winner for your petite figure. One of my good friends is very small like you – in fact, we met each other at the alterations shop because we both get things tailored so often!
I haven’t looked into AE much because I thought it was more for younger women, but we can find “gems” in many places! Since you said the pants work for a flat behind, maybe I should give them a try in the tall version.
That’s so wonderful that you’ve been inspired by your son’s friend. Authenticity and easy grace are qualities that I strive for, too!
Debbie: One reason your blog is so popular is that your points resonate with SO MANY.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Catherine. I’m glad what I has to say resonates with you and others!
There is a reason this is called “Recovering Shopoholic,” Debbie. We are never cured of our addiction. Don’t beat yourself up…the blog itself is your battle against letting “things” rule your life. As for social anxiety, my mom told me a story once about how she was meeting her ex-husband’s new wife – a tall, slender blonde woman named Peggy. My mom was petite brunette who was desperately insecure despite her good looks. She was paralyzed with insecurity every time she had to see her (when my brother was having time with his dad). Years later, Peggy told my mom how much she envied her lovely brown hair and petite frame – like Elizabeth Taylor (this was the 1950s when Liz was still slim). Mom told me this story to remind me that we never know what’s in the minds of others; it doesn’t matter what they think and we must keep telling ourselves that. You are wonderful, Debbie, and thank you for being a beacon for so many of us who share your concerns.
I’m sorry this comment landed in my spam folder initially, Catherine. I don’t know why that happens sometimes, but I was happy to “rescue” it and get it posted today. Thank you for your support and for sharing your mom’s story. Sometimes I’m surprised when I hear or read accounts of some people’s insecurities, as I see them as having it all together. We can definitely be our own worst critics! I hope your mom was able to overcome her insecurities later in life and see the beauty in herself that others saw. I’m trying to do that, but it’s not easy… I think that if we are true to ourselves, that helps. If I try to be something I’m not (by dressing how I think others want me to dress, for example), I feel even MORE insecure! So, I’d rather be less-than-current in what I’m wearing (or even “frumpy” in some peoples’ eyes) but feel comfortable in my own skin and better able to enjoy what I’m doing. Because as the old saying goes, “It’s not about the dress you wear, but the life you lead in the dress.” (Diana Vreeland)
Debbie, How you feel about getting with friends but how hard it is to do is me as well!! I’m also exhausted after and it takes me days or a week alone to recover!!! it’s so difficult!! BUT, I have been able to slimline my closet for Summer!! Skirts and tops are all I ever wear all year round so this helps!!!
You definitely get it, Natalie! I’m glad you’ve been able to streamline your closet and what you wear, as I’m sure that helps you to be able to get dressed more easily. I used to only wear skirts and dresses in the warmer months, but that shifted for me a few years ago. I do plan to streamline what I wear, too, as it’s just so much less stressful. Good for you!
Thank you!! I read all your posts!!!
Debbie, I 100
Debbie, I one hundred percent agree! I’m the same!
Oh wow, this is the number one reason I’ve decided to become more minimal. Before I thought having a larger wardrobe and being able to shop my closet when I felt stressed about getting dressing to go out in public, or pack for a trip, was the answer. But it backfired on me. More options led to more stress for me.
In the last few years since I’ve had a smaller wardrobe, with only about three or four options, or style formulas, for each occasion when I go out, and for me this includes “casual” “slightly-dressy casual” and “once in a while dressy” but never, never formal, I find it way easier and far less stressful to have a few tried and true faithful outfits I can depend on when I need to appear in public.
For me it works far better if I experiment when I go somewhere alone and wear something that is way fun, but a bit wilder and out of my usual public comfort zone. And I do have a couple of things that fit this category. Once I have worn these things on my own, and got to know myself on new terms, without any pressure, then sometimes I work them into my regular wardrobe.
But honestly, I’m pretty sure nobody really notices me that much or cares what I’m wearing. I’ve discovered it’s all in my mind. My friends clearly have more important things to think about and when I discovered that I’m making it all about me I feel silly. But I totally do understand your feelings, because I was the same way for a long time. It’s hard and I have compassion for you and for all of us dealing with these feelings. One thing that has helped me a lot is that I wrote about my emotions with my clothes in newest memoir, and I felt so naked, so exposed! And yet not one person has even noticed or mentioned it. And the only negative comments have been about my writing style. So there we have it. I can wear anything and not get noticed. But if I write something some people don’t agree with, then lots of people see me. Lol.
Sending you love. I know you will rise. I think I finally climbed out in my mid 60s, and I didn’t climb out of hair prison until 70. And now I’m just leaning toward peace, reaching.
5
5
PS
Debbie, do you remember the interview article I wrote a few years ago with a friend who is a therapist who has also struggled with much anxiety over clothing and getting dressed? I’m linking to the piece here. It’s a good inspiration and reminder that we’re not alone. Even though most of the time I’m no longer hindered, recently I did have an episode of changing my clothes multiple times, working up a frenzy, before finally walking out the door in jeans and a black t-shirt, so that I wouldn’t be late.
https://earthandthegreatsea.blogspot.com/2019/01/closeted-away_58.html
Yes, I remember that interview! I have it bookmarked and have read it a few times. I need to re-read it now, and I also want to read your book!
I don’t think any of us are completely immune from social anxiety and worrying what to wear. I can relate to your changing clothes multiple times and then finally choosing a simple but good outfit! Jeans and a black t-shirt works well for most of us 😉
Terra-I always love Debbie’s posts, and I also love your comments. I would never have found your writing if not for this blog. I just finished your memoir and found it moving, sad, uplifting, optimistic, and a host of other adjectives. Thank you!
Eva, I’ve been following Debbie’s writing for the past ten years. Her posts always inspire me, and reader comments are rich and inspiring on her blogs. I love her special way of bringing us all together. Thank you for finding me.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, Terra. I can totally see how having a minimal wardrobe can help, as I have less anxiety about getting dressed when I travel and am working with far fewer choices. I can get overwhelmed with having too many possibilities with my larger wardrobe. I think I need the same style formulas as what you have… Last summer, I came up with some outfit lists, but I need to revisit that activity now. I keep changing what I like and outlined too many possibilities back then, some of which weren’t necessarily “8”s or higher on a scale of 1-10 (or at least I don’t consider them to be that now).
Good idea to experiment with less “tried and true” combinations on lower-stakes occasions. I do that myself when I’m running some quicker errands, which is also when I wear pieces that I’m on the fence about whether to keep or purge.
You’re right that other people (including friends) are focusing far less on what we’re wearing than we might think they are. I’m very happy for you that you no longer care so much about what others think, as well as climbing out of “hair prison” – that’s huge! I hope that I can follow your lead in these respects…
Hi Debbie! I hope that you’re doing well. I felt the same way as you for a long time and now I don’t, so I just spent a few minutes thinking about what changed.
Like you the current styles aren’t my thing. You won’t catch me wearing Barbie pink or cropped tops lol. I feel like I look better wearing colors and styles that are more flattering on me rather than what is in style at the moment. I also feel like I look better when I’m comfortable rather than wearing something that requires shapewear or constant adjusting. So that’s what I do! This summer I have 4-5 casual knit dresses that I usually wear with Birkenstocks or sneakers, but can be dressed up a bit with different shoes or jewelry to go out to dinner. I have a few knit tees that I wear with cutoffs or a pair of black Athleta pull on pants. That’s really about it. I have very casual stuff that I wear when I’m working or at home most of the time. Taking the thought out of it helped a lot.
One thing that’s interesting to me is to listen to what is in style and what is supposed to make people looked dated and unfashionable. Skinny jeans for example are supposed to be so out. Guess what my number 1 selling type of jeans are? There’s lots of people out there that are just wearing what they like. I am too. I don’t think people care all that much.
The final thing is I simply don’t give it the thought and time that I once did. Part of it is dealing with clothes 24/7. It’s a bit like when I worked at Friendly’s and didn’t eat ice cream for years after. Working with them has definitely made them lose their shine. I put aside a small amount of time at the beginning of a season to make sure I have things that fit me and that I like. Once that’s done, I don’t keep revisiting it like I used to. I don’t spend recreational time with my wardrobe anymore. I don’t track or come up with new outfits to go to the grocery store. I may spend a few extra minutes if I’m going somewhere nice, but since I have just a few looks I gravitate towards it doesn’t get that complicated. I honestly don’t think I look all that different now than when I spent all kinds of time trying to get it “right”.
All of this has been so freeing. I’ve opened up so much space to do other things now. I really hope that you’re able to find your comfortable and happy spot too. I really want that peace for you.
Wonderful to hear from you here, Tonya! I miss reading your words of wisdom on a regular basis.
No Barbie pink or cropped tops for me, either, and I also stick with the colors and styles that I know work for me. Your summer wardrobe sounds very versatile and workable. You can’t go wrong with a casual knit dress for most of the occasions in your life or mine. How cool that you’ve also discovered the beauty of Athleta pants – love them!
I’ve read over and over again about how “out” skinny jeans are, but I still see them all the time in the stores and online. It’s no big surprise that you’re selling them well in your Poshmark store. I can see how dealing with clothes all day long would make you want to just keep it simple with your own wardrobe. A lot of fashion designers have “uniforms” that they wear on repeat, and even Anna Wintour seems to dress the same now as she did years ago.
I think that some of my rumination about my wardrobe relates to my OCD and anxiety, but I would love to get to the free place where you and Terra are now. I think if I can just trust myself more and worry less about if others think I look “stylish” or “current,” will be better be able to get there.
I felt the same way for years. Somehow that has changed. I don’t really overthink anymore, maybe it is because most of my friends don’t dress up. I am usually in jeans and for special occasions I wear a dress.
I don’t really follow trends, but I like to watch what others are wearing to get inspired. I wish I could say that I rarely buy clothes, but unfortunately I do 😉
For what it’s worth, in my eyes you always look great. I have wider hips, so I do understand your feelings. E.g. I avoid pencil skirts. No one has ever said anything about my hips, but it is still my focus when I get dressed: does this hide my hips.
Thank you for your kind words, Jessica. I always dress to try to hide my hips (and thighs), too, so I totally get it. I just feel better showing off the parts of my body that I’m more comfortable with, and that’s okay. I’m glad you’ve gotten to a place where you feel less anxious about what you wear for social occasions. I think finding people to be inspired by (whether in our own lives or online) is a better approach than trying to follow the ever-moving target of trends. Good for you for doing that and no longer overthinking things!
Hi Debbie – thanks for your wonderful and honest post. I can relate to a lot of it – especially the part about issues with body image, which is something that I currently struggle with. But I’m obsessing less about wearing just the right thing, and this has really improved my quality of life. Like you, I got super obsessive about the What Not to Wear rules back in the day. But the last several years I realized that I admire the way European women dress, and I tried to emulate what that means to me (even though I know I’m oversimplifying). Anyhow, what I identified was getting nice basics in flattering styles and neutral colors, and then adding a few things every season that are more colorful or on trend, IF the trend flatters me, is comfortable, and I like it. Since I wear pants maybe 90% of the time, for me this means black, navy, and gray pants and jeans in narrow leg styles and some neutral toppers that are fitted but not tight. I’ve added some print and colored tops and dresses. Pretty much everything is simple in style and can be dressed up or down depending on how I mix and match. And it all skews casual because of my lifestyle and the fact that my feet don’t tolerate most dressy shoes. I still worry about what to wear sometimes, but I’m feeling better about having my own style.
Body image is definitely my “Achilles’ heel,” Murphy, and a primary reason why I tend toward overshopping. But if I combine that issue with also worrying about whether or not I’m “stylish” enough, that compounds my anxiety. I would do better to stop obsessing about what I wear, as you have done (good for you!). I admire the way European women dress, too. It seems to be more minimal and elegant and less “chaotic” (for lack of a better word at the moment) than the way a lot of American women approach clothing and style. It sounds like you have settled upon a great formula for getting dressed that it working well for you. It really only takes adding a few new pieces each season to a base workable wardrobe to freshen things up. I have to push myself to remember that!
Hello Debbie
in my country of birth there was a saying that the clothes make a person. It doesn’t sound so “heavy” in English, but I know it had a huge impact on how important some of us saw the clothes we would wear.
I suppose it never left me together with the anxiety about
the right clothes.
I am a baby boomer, and lived through so many stages of fashion dictates …falling into the trap that someone else know better then me what I should wear.
Yes, overshopping as well, looking for that perfect item cost me a lot of money. Now
sifting slowly through my huge wardrobe which grew even bigger during Covid lockdowns
totally crazy in Melbourne for over 2 years, those parcels coming and going.
like you, I tend to overanalyze and forget to be kind to myself about the mistakes.
I appreciate your honesty, I know the pain.
Kind regards
Helen
I’m glad you liked my post and could relate to it, Helen. Thank you for sharing some of your experience with the issues that I wrote about. I can see how growing up with a saying about clothes making a person would lead to wardrobe anxiety. I think there used to be a lot more fashion “edicts” than there are now, but such things can become ingrained in many of us (I’m not a baby boomer, but I’m not far off from it). Perfectionism can be such a trap. So often, even after I’ve ostensibly ticked a box on my shopping list, I keep searching, as I worry that what I bought isn’t quite right. It can be so exhausting sometimes… Yes, we need to be kinder to ourselves and work on reducing all of the overanalyzing. Easier said than done, but I wish for that for all of us who are struggling.
Hi Debbie! It was nice to see your post after a little break. We all need to step away from ‘things’ in our lives from time to time. We are also our worst critics on occasion. I think I have mentioned in the past that I had joined the ‘Dressing Your Truth’ community many years ago. Unfortunately, I became so entrenched in it that I stopped listening to my own voice and was trying to follow someone else’s opinions. I literally had to reverse the indoctrination that I had undergone. I remember one day – pulling out all the things I loved – regardless of what Type category it fell into in this system. I was so happy to wear things that I had stashed away as I was trying to fulfill what I thought was expected of me. I eventually came to my senses and realized that I know myself better than any outsider or even family member. I hope you can come to this conclusion as well.
I chose to go through a couple months ago a 12-15 week group program to address my overshopping and compulsive spending. It was incredible but really intense and I can’t say the initial part of this ‘therapy’ was comfortable in any way, shape or form. It did require me to address some underlying issues that I tended to avoid. I love what someone else mentioned in the comments about the word ‘recovering’. I did so well during the time in the program but the last month has involved some setbacks (not major but enough to make me pause and re-evaluate). It really put me in a funk for a bit but I realized that it truly is a process and I have to continue to strengthen new neural pathways in order to override the old patterns. Addressing some of my underlying issues has been painful at times and I know this also will continue to be a process. I don’t know that I have any ‘answers’ for you but I certainly can give you support and let you know that you are not alone in your thoughts. I put on some weight and I’m heavier right now and was so angry that some things I bought a year ago no longer fit. The self loathing begins but I try to steer myself back to an appreciation of life and what I do have (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc..). I guess I would say – you don’t owe anyone anything – if you like what you are wearing, then go with it! Your willingness to be open and share personal thoughts is something I have always appreciated. You put to a voice what others may be thinking and struggling with. You know what you like and what looks best on you – trust that intuition regardless of what the so called fashion world may be saying. Best wishes on your continued journey!
It’s good to see you comment here again, Susan. I remember your sharing about Dressing Your Truth in the past. Such systems can be helpful, but they can also become too rigid, as you discovered. I liked DYT at first and resonated with most of the Type 4 recommendations, but I found that I still liked some colors and styles that were supposedly not my best. You’re so right that we know ourselves better than any outsider does!
Good for you for being brave enough to enter an intensive program for overshopping. I’m glad you got a lot out of it and learned some important things about yourself in the process. I can relate to having setbacks. When I was writing “Recovering Shopaholic” and being accountable on the internet about what I bought and how much I spent, I was able to stick to a budget well. It wasn’t easy, but I did it and was proud of myself. However, I’ve had more ups and downs since I stopped that level of accountability. I didn’t want to have to tell everyone what I bought for the rest of my life! Ups and downs and setbacks are part of the process of recovering from any type of compulsive behavior, and we have to have some compassion for ourselves along the way.
I really appreciate your support and understanding. You definitely get it! I’m glad my words have been helpful to you and others. That was my reason for starting blogging all those years ago… I’m actually glad that I have a smaller platform now because it got overwhelming sometimes before. I already struggle so much with low self-esteem, self-judgment, and anxiety, and that was all compounded when I sometimes received hurtful comments (even when there was some truth to them).
I really hope to learn to trust my inner voice more. I definitely do sometimes, but I struggle when I’m around other women and compare myself to them. I need to learn not to do that, as it’s a recipe for pain. Thank you for your encouragement and good wishes. I wish you the best on your continued journey, too!
Hi Debbie, I was a late bloomer, fashion/clothes were not a priority at all growing up, and compliments were non-existent. I grew up between brothers and I have some older sisters that all have more curves than I do and have proportions that they can generally shop off the rack. They are also more classically beautiful than I am and grew up during happier times. I have several sisters who could literally stop traffic for years regardless of what they wore without a lick of makeup on because they are so gorgeous. (Even now, they walk into a room and EVERYONE looks…) I have worked hard to boost my self-confidence over the years. I am reminded of the quote, “Confidence isn’t walking into a room thinking you are better than everyone; it’s walking in not having to compare yourself at all.”
I also strive to live the quote by Zen Shin, “A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.” So it helps me to think of a garden of flowers or resting butterflies when I go into a group of women…
Thank you for sharing your experience, Maggie. I’m glad you’ve been able to boost your self-confidence over the years. I didn’t grow up with sisters (I now have a half-sister, but I’m old enough to be her mother!), so I didn’t have to deal with comparison and insecurity within my own family in that way, but I know that can be rough. I love the quotes that you included and will keep them both in mind! I’m reminded of another quote: “Comparison is the thief of joy,” with definitely can be true! I will try to remember to think of a garden of flowers or resting butterflies that next time I go into a group of women.
I enjoy getting together with people I’m comfortable with or genuinely interested in knowing better. However, as an introverted HSP, after a night out with more than three or four friends or several family members, I can feel a bit overstimulated from keeping up with all the conversation and the noise—in general. Heading home, I think, “Ahhhh.”
Get-togethers are something I often look forward to now that I’m retired from a job that required me to deal with hundreds of people in person and on the phone.
But even now, I like to space my social occasions out, if possible, so I have at least a day (or a week!) of recovery between them.
I do fret about what to wear before seeing people I’m not comfortable with. In my younger years, when I needed to socialize with my husband’s work associates (or his ex-wife), I’d often have a drink beforehand to lessen my anxiety.
I’ve done my share of overshopping, especially when I’ve struggled with not having a clear sense of self. Like either not knowing who I am, what I like, or feeling like what I own doesn’t match up with who I want to be.
When I long to step out of my comfort zone, I picture myself in a new place where I’m anonymous. Would I want to walk the streets of Nashville in my flowy poet costume? Nope.
Shopping too much can also result from back-to-back socializing and/or while traveling. Both can make me feel like my life is out of control. Shopping at those times usually makes things worse.
For a few months, I’ve mostly stuck to buying items wish-listed for at least a week. This strategy is helping me make fewer mistakes and act less impulsively.
Transitioning from office attire (a “costume” of sorts) to retirement has been challenging. That may be why I’ve struggled with my identity. Maybe I hadn’t considered it much before. At any rate, I’m grateful to have the time and freedom now to decide who I want to be.
Now that I’m home more, I enjoy dressing to leave the house. When I feel like “me” in my clothes—worry about anyone else’s approval. When I don’t feel like “me,” I try to figure out why and learn from it.
I bet your friends are just happy to spend time with you, Debbie.
As a fellow introverted HSP, I really related to your first paragraph, Jenn! A little can go a long way with me in terms of social interactions. I like your idea of having at least a day (if not more) between social engagements. It must have been hard for you to deal with hundreds of people every day in your job, but I’m sure you got better at it over time.
I really like the concept of picturing myself in a new place where I’m anonymous and considering if I’d want to wear a particular item or outfit. The answer is probably NO a lot of the time. Good for you for holding back on buying anything until it’s been on your wish list for at least a week. That’s like an advanced version of Jill Chivers’ “power pause” (which is at least two hours and preferably two days). It has helped me a lot to wait, too, as the “charge” often goes out of my desire for something.
I continue to keep an outfit journal when I venture out of the house in “out and about” ensembles. It’s helping me a lot to learn what isn’t working and why. I will share some of what I’ve learned in a future post. I think you’re right that our friends are just happy spending time with us and likely don’t care all that much about what we’re wearing.
FYI – Loft just added the option in each category under “Features” to shop Tall. They have had the option to just shop Petites for a while. They also added a “Sneak Preview” option under the New Arrivals list.
This is a great new feature! I wish more stores would do this, as it makes it a lot easier to shop. Nordstrom has a “tall” selector for pants now, but it’s only marginally helpful because they designate “tall” as a 32-inch inseam (or longer), whereas I need at least 34 inches. But it’s better than nothing!
Hi Debbie, one of the ladies at Loft told me that some styles at Abercrombie comes in an extra short inseam. She is curvy and petite. Maybe someone will add extra long or extra tall?
I think Madewell and J. Crew have extra-tall (or extra-long) in some styles. But they also tend to carry mostly the latest trends, which I haven’t been that on board with… I like more of the classic styles for pants, but the stores that cater more to that arena either don’t have talls at all or only have them for the a few basic styles. The struggle is real, but I do find some good options sometimes 🙂
I’ve been following a new ‘influencer’ on Instagram who was redoing her apartment. After she wallpapered and painted everything she moved onto to showcasing outfits. Recently we explored the pool at her apartment complex, with her in her swim suit. She’s not a small person and as someone who had a lot of female standards applied to me and my body since birth I have to give her credit for putting herself out there. One thing she said that I thought was positive was that she wasn’t going to use the criteria of whether something was “flattering” because that implied a flaw in her appearance, and she likes herself the way she is.
The word flattering runs rampant through my critique of wardrobes. My take away is to think less about whether something is flattering, and more about if I feel good in what I have on. It may be two sides of the same coin, but at least feeling good isn’t rooted in something I think is wrong with myself.
I’m not sure if I’ll ever be enthusiastically body positive, but I can at least try.
Thank you for sharing this, Rose. I like the idea of focusing more on the way we feel in what we’re wearing. Both what’s considered flattering and how we feel in our clothes will shift over time (as styles change and what we like changes), but I like the feeling aspect more as a reliable benchmark. I struggle a lot with being body positive (about myself), but like you, I can try… I’m always inspired by women like the influencer you mentioned. It reminds me of a meme I saw about how to “get a bikini body.” The answer was simply “put on a bikini”! It may not be that simple in terms of our psychology, but objectively it IS that simple, and it helps to remember that.
Debbie–I doubt that there are many who do not suffer at least occasionaly from social anxiety and concerns about fitting in and looking “right.” We vary in degree and in how we demonstrate, in my unprofessional observation.
You are a delightfully sensitive, concerned and verbally gifted person who probably doesn’t get how much she helps others with similarly human shortcomings. How I rejoice when I see a new post! I admire and am rather astounded at how you seem to hit a capsule of humanity’s nails right on their heads. It makes your readers relieved and not alone. Allow yourself to feel some pride here!
My anxiety, as you might remember from old comments, manifests itself in being minimalistic and thereby feeling in control of my wardrobe. I do not for one minute feel I am totally healthy or cured. I am still anxiety-ridden about other things and have terrible insomnia. But reigning in on possessions helps me feel better about myself and even brings me some contentedness. (I have no idea how this works, but it does.) I feel good about coping, but I do not feel superior.
In the last part of high school I started rebelling against the fashion/makeup sphere. I slipped back starting college, but once I was in my 20’s I largely became who I am now in that aspect: I do what I like but stay within the unnoticeable realm with appearance.
Please be good to your sweet self and keep on helping us others figure out who we are and what works.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Gail and Samantha! I’m always happy to learn that people enjoy my writing and are benefiting from it. I may not be as prolific a blogger as I once was, but I do still like to write and communicate with readers. I prefer to aim for quality over quantity with my posts, which is what I’m also working to do with my clothes (and do better with sometimes than others…)!
I can totally see how decreasing possessions can bring both confidence and contentment. I have significantly downsized over the years and want to do even more. The only area where I still struggle with overabundance is with my wardrobe, although it’s MUCH better than it once was! My sister-in-law is much like you in terms of rebelling against the fashion/makeup sphere and she seems quite content with the those changes that she made long ago. There is no one right way to be, and we all have to figure out what the best approach is for us individually. And that may shift over the years and we can always adapt… I don’t think I will ever has as minimal a wardrobe as you or my sister-in-law, but I can certainly be MORE minimal – and that’s something I continue to work on (sometimes more successfully than others, but that gives me things to blog about!).
Gail is so right. Debbie, you should be a well-known writer! Maybe in psychology magazines?
FYI – On HSN, DG2 by Diane Gilman New Classic Stretch Denim Frayed Wide-Leg Jean has the following inseams listed under details: Approx. 32″L (Average); 29″L (Petite); 35″L (Tall)
You always have such wonderful resources, Maggie. Thank you for sharing them here with us! I wish all brands would use a 35-inch inseam for tall pants/jeans!
I’ve seen a lot of body-positive influencers use the phrase “f*ck flattering” haha, and I think it’s a pretty good mindset to have.
The entire concept of “flattering” is also very subjective. I remember you saying that you thought skinny jeans were unflattering because they made your lower body look like an ice cream cone. But…I was a teenager when skinny jeans first became really popular, and we WANTED our lower bodies to look like that lol. Ice-cream-cone lower body was the ideal beauty standard!
p.s. Kate Middleton is still wearing slim-fitting pants in 2023, so I feel like anyone who claims they are out of style is just not correct!
Yes, you are so right, Maureen! What’s considered “flattering” is very subjective. I remember Stacy and Clinton of “What Not to Wear” originally being vehemently opposed to any type of cropped pants. But when those pants because trendy, they started putting their makeover “subjects” in exactly what they had previously said was very unflattering. Go figure!
That’s funny about the ice cream cone body being an ideal. Maybe I should have just gone with it, but I think I was already too old and set in my ways by then. But our eyes do adjust to new styles and silhouettes. As one example, I absolutely would NOT wear ankle pants for the first few years they were on the scene, but now I wear them frequently. My eye adjusted… I do still wear them with at least a small heel, though, although I appreciate such styles with flats on others. You’re very right about Kate Middleton, who is a style icon to many. She’s still wearing “skinnies,” and they look fabulous and stylish on her.
Hi Debbie, I was looking at rompers/jumpsuits by Jaase on Poshmark. (I like their prints.) I have a party coming up in 2 weeks. I wondered if you had ever thought of getting a maxi dress and converting it into pants that are long enough for you or if you had thought of a romper where you could refashion it
into pants or modify it to fit you as you please. If there is an elastic waist, you could always remove it.
Also, LLBean has 3/4 sleeve and elbow sleeve tees. (I have considered converting some of my long sleeve tees into elbow length.)
Love those three-quarter length sleeves. Talbots makes them although they’re available only certain times of the year. May me more cost-effective than altering. In addition, folks, I found some at the elbow “short-sleeved” tees of good quality at J Crew. Affordable when there’s a sale.
My bad…I forgot that you are sensitive to perfumes. Marcy Tilton has a website where she sells designer fabrics. She and her sister, Katherine, design patterns for Vogue and Butterick. (I think fabric is sold by the half yard.) I just like to look…
I may not be able to buy those rompers/jumpsuits on Poshmark, Maggie (because of my fragrance issues), but they might be exactly the right thing for someone else who is reading here. Feel free to keep sharing your suggestions. I would be up for wearing a jumpsuit, though, and there’s one I’ve being pondering recently (the Brooklyn jumpsuit at Athleta). Yes, there’s the “bathroom problem,” but I love the chic look of wearing just one piece (same with dresses, but those are easier to wear all day and navigate public restrooms in).
I will check out the tees at LLBean, Talbots, and J. Crew. Thanks to both you and Catherine for the recommendations of good quality tops!
Hi Debbie,
I like the idea of jumpsuits too but I am different sizes on top and bottom and petite to boot!
FYI – HSN has a new DG2 jean for $54.99 with free shipping and flexpay. If I am trying a new line and don’t know my size, I love the free shipping because I can buy several sizes and try them on at the same time. (I think you still have to pay return shipping but for me, the convenience outweighs the cost.) I also use the flexpay option just to delay billing until I find out if the item is right for me. I like the cocoa bootcut jeans but I am looking for something a little different since I have been wearing bootcut non-stop for at least 5 years. My AE cargo pants are working out well and so are the Loft girlfriend jeans. I am keeping my eye out for maybe a plaid pair of pants or maybe corduroy utility pants so then I will have 3 bottoms that fit which vary a little. (I start class again next month so these will be my “out-in-public” clothes.)
Warm Regards.