My Wardrobe, Myself

Handling Discouragement

Debbie Roes

April 12, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project.

While I would love for all of my blog posts to highlight my tremendous progress and exciting wins, life doesn’t work like that. Invariably, we all experience ups and downs, and progress occurs more like “two steps forward, one step back” than in an upward slope. Although I posted two weeks ago about the wins I’ve experienced since starting this blog, this past week has been more of a period of discouragement. In this post, I will share my feelings of discouragement, along with some suggestions for how to handle such times in your life.

Career & Health Woes…

One of the “wins” I shared in a previous post was that I was attracting more work projects and experiencing increased confidence as a result. Well, that win turned out to be short-lived… The inquiries regarding prospective work have led to dead ends and a couple of projects which I believed were “sure things” have fallen through for reasons unknown to me.

I now find myself in the all too familiar zone of uncertainty and negativity regarding work. Despite my desire to remain positive and hopeful, I am feeling increasingly discouraged about my work prospects. I know that it does me no good to lament my poor past choices, but I have had to stop myself multiple times from rehashing ancient history and wishing that I had taken a different path. I sometimes find myself feeling very depressed for not being where I’d hoped to be career-wise at my age.

In addition to my career woes, a few of my health issues have flared up as of late. I had thought that my digestive problems were mostly in the past, but I’ve been feeling extremely bloated and uncomfortable all week and have been popping antacids like candy to address the painful burning in my stomach. The bloating has rendered many of my pants un-wearable and has me feeling fat and unattractive, a feeling I know all too well from my many years of eating disorder struggles.

“Deservability”

Debbie Roes

1 comment

April 2, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project.

With this post, I begin working through the exercises in Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book.” While you can definitely read my blog and benefit from my insights without doing the exercises yourself, I encourage you to follow along and gain and share your own insights. Not all blog posts will be associated with YCHYL exercises, but these exercises are an integral part of the Healing Project.

Defining the Concept

We all want many things in our lives and we often wonder why we don’t get those things. A big part of it has to do with the concept of deserving, or as Louise Hay terms it, “deservability.” If, at the deepest core of our being, we don’t feel we deserve to have what we wish for, that belief will block those things from coming into our lives. We end up settling for less than what we truly desire as a result of our limiting beliefs. To achieve our goals in life, it is necessary to work on our beliefs as well as take concrete actions toward that which we want.

Deservability Exercise

The Deservability Exercise in the “You Can Heal Your Life Companion Book” consists of seven questions which are designed to help us to better understand the power of this concept. Below, I have included these questions (rephrased in a shorter and simpler format) as well as some key excerpts from my responses to the questions. I feel that I have gained some valuable insights as a result of my introspection into the concept of “deservability.” Now I invite you to answer these questions…

Principles of Louise Hay – Part 4

Debbie Roes

2 comments

March 19, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project. It outlines the final three key principles from “You Can Heal Your Life.”

“We must be willing to learn to love ourselves.”

Many years ago, I first heard the saying, “You can’t love anyone else unless you love yourself first.” At the time, I despised this saying and vehemently disagreed with its sentiments. Although I was clear that I didn’t love myself much back then, I believed that I was a loving person and fully capable of loving others. Now I am much more open to the message, except that I would qualify the saying by adding the word fully, as in “one cannot love another fully unless he loves himself.” If we are mired in self-criticism and self-hatred, there is much less of ourselves to give to others, which makes us less able to love others to full capacity.

Yet, the ability to love others fully is only one reason for us to love ourselves. When we treat ourselves with loving kindness, we experience a number of other benefits. These benefits include:

Decreased anxiety
Increased inner peace
Improved relationships
Enhanced health and well-being

Notice that this principle includes two key words, willing and learn. For those of us who have not loved ourselves for many, many years, it probably won’t happy overnight. We need to learn to treat ourselves more kindly, much like we would need to learn a new language or the tasks for a new job. It’s a process and it takes time. However, the key is to be willing to learn, whether it’s learning a new language or a new way of reacting toward oneself. If we are open and willing to a new way of being, the learning process will flow much more smoothly.

Principles of Louise Hay – Part 3

Debbie Roes

1 comment

March 12, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project. It is a continuation of the key principles of Louise Hay’s philosophy and outlines three more points that are the basis for “You Can Heal Your Life.”

“Resentment, criticism, and guilt are the most damaging patterns.”

There are many thought patterns that can be harmful to us, especially if we engage in them on a regular basis. However, some patterns are more harmful than others, and Louise Hay contends that resentment, criticism, and guilt are the most damaging patterns of all. Upon reflection, I would have to agree with her. Let’s look at these patterns one by one, along with some examples of each, to drive the point home.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines resentment as follows:

a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

It is normal to notice when we are wronged and to be upset by it. But when we continue to rehash a bad situation and ruminate upon how unfair or wrong it was, it can be harmful to our sense of well-being, as well as our health. There is a man I know who felt he was treated unfairly at work and had filed a grievance against his employer. Even several years later, one could not have a conversation with him without the topic of his grievance coming up. Not only did this repel others from desiring to be in his company, I’m sure it also destroyed his inner peace and happiness. This is just one example of the harmful effects of resentment.

When one is either the target or the source of criticism, it is damaging. Yet the most detrimental form of criticism is when it is self-directed. I can speak of this from extensive personal experience. I used to be extremely critical toward myself. I had a running tape inside my head of all of the ways in which I was deficient and didn’t measure up to my expectations. At times my self-criticism would be voiced, but the verbal complaints paled in comparison to the negative voice which lived inside of my head. I am convinced that the many health complaints which I have today were created by means of my intense criticism of all facets of my being – my appearance, my career pursuits, my interactions with others, you name it… I am gradually turning this around and the negative tape is no longer the constant presence it once was. As I emerge from the chasm that was my self-criticism, I gain an ever increasing amount of joy, peace, and happiness. And interestingly enough, as I criticize myself less often, others are less prone to denigrate me as well. I am also less prone to deriding others. Win, win!

The Practice of Gratitude

Debbie Roes

6 comments

March 6, 2010

NOTE: This post was originally published on my previous blog, The Healing Project.

I’ve often heard that the biggest key to happiness is gratitude, and I don’t doubt that. When we are present to all that is wonderful in our lives, it’s difficult to feel depressed and despondent. As I look back on my life, I can see that even in my most difficult times, I still had a lot to be grateful for in my life. I just had to look in the right place! It’s all about focus and attitude, I’ve learned.

Keep a Gratitude Journal

To help me to stay aware of the many blessings in my life, I started to keep a Gratitude Journal a few years ago. I confess that I haven’t always been consistent with this practice, but when I’ve maintained my Gratitude Journal, it’s helped me to be more positive and upbeat. Here’s how it works…

On a daily or almost daily basis, I list three things in my life for which I am grateful. These can be big things or small things; there are no rules for what can be on the list. I’ve found that it’s easy to think of the larger things, such as my wonderful husband, my cozy home, my cats, my vision, and my hearing. The smaller things can be trickier to remember, yet those things also have a powerful impact in my life. Here are some examples of some of the “small things” I’ve listed in my Gratitude Journal in recent entries:

I had an enjoyable walk with Mike along the water this evening.
The sun was out today after many, many rainy days in a row!
My kitties were curled up in the box on my desk all afternoon while I worked.
Our coffee grinder and coffee machine allow me to have delicious coffee every morning.
Class yesterday was both interesting and useful.