My Wardrobe, Myself

The intersection of clothing, emotions, and life

NOTE:  This post was originally published on my previous blog, Body Image Rehab.


Pile of rocks balanced on top of each otherFor most of my adult life, I’ve either weighed too much or too little.  In fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve been at a happy, healthy, and comfortable weight.  Although I really want to believe that I can turn this around and find balance in this area, it’s sometimes difficult to remain optimistic…

This post focuses on my struggle to maintain my weight and looks at some of the potential reasons for this phenomenon.  I also explore ways we can all achieve balance in terms of our weight and self-image.

An Elusive Moment in Time…

I am currently at a very good weight for my age, height, and shape, so this is one of those elusive moments I mentioned above.  I reached this optimal weight as a result of a health challenge that has made it difficult for me to eat much for a number of weeks.  Now that I seem to be getting this issue more under control, I find myself worrying what will happen with my weight.  I’ve had to change my diet considerably, so I might be able to remain at this weight without Herculean efforts, but that remains to be seen.

During my adult life, my weight has spanned a range of close to a hundred pounds!  Depending upon what was happening with my eating disorders at any given time, I’ve ranged from deathly thin to more than a little chubby.  In recent years, as I’ve moved into recovery from my eating disorders, my weight hasn’t swung as widely.  My weight fluctuations may now only be noticeable to myself and the especially observant around me.  We’re talking about ten pounds up and down, maybe fifteen at the most.  Although this is not extreme, it can result in a size change or at the very least, tight and uncomfortable pants.

Consistent Body Weight – Realistic?

I know I’m not uncommon in terms of my weight ups and downs.  In this land of jam-packed day planners and fast food restaurants on every corner, many people struggle to keep their weight at a stable and healthy level.  However, I have known people who were able to maintain a fairly consistent body size for many years.  So I know it’s possible for me to maintain my optimal weight for more than a few weeks at a time.  Hope springs eternal that I will finally be able to do this, even if it hasn’t actually happened since puberty.

I have a tendency to sabotage myself in terms of my weight.  Once my weight is at the lower end of my range (the aforementioned 10-15 pounds), I start to relax a bit and find myself eating a smidgeon more here and a tad more there.  These extra bites add up over time, despite my reasonably high activity level, and the pounds pile back on.  Because I rarely weigh myself, I don’t catch the weight gain until my pants are tight and my spirits are deflated.

Unrealistic Goals and Expectations?

One may ask if I have unrealistic goals and expectations surrounding my weight, especially since I toiled in the hell that is anorexia for a number of years.  It’s definitely possible that I may be trying to maintain a weight that is too low for me, especially at the advancing age of 44.  Perhaps I need to adjust my ideal weight number up a few pounds to make it more sustainable.  Alternatively, I may need to overcome my scale phobia head on and face the music about my weight before I find myself buttressed against the upper limit of my weight range. Definitely something to consider… I can also use a particular pair of pants as a sort of “benchmark” of my weight and modify my diet when I find them becoming a bit snug.

We all know how to lose and/or maintain weight.  It’s a matter of shear mathematics.  Our energy output must exceed our input in order to lose weight, and the two numbers must remain basically equivalent for weight maintenance.  We can eat less, exercise more, or do some sort of combination of the two.  As the old saying goes, “It’s not rocket science!” Although the equation isn’t difficult, we all know that adhering to it is easier said than done.  I am aware that I’m not the only one who is searching for balance in the weight department!

Healthy Attitude – Some “Bottom Lines”

I may or may not maintain my optimum weight this time around.  That remains to be seen.  I will do my best to sustain a healthy diet and exercise routine and practice moderation as much as possible so that the needle on the scale doesn’t creep up again.  But more important than the actual number is my attitude about it.   In that regard, I have come up with some “bottom lines” for myself to help me in maintaining a healthy and balanced attitude about my weight.  Perhaps my “bottom lines” will be helpful for you as well.

Don’t Place Too Much Importance on Weight!

I am so much more than a number on a scale or a clothing size tag!  We all are, and we would be well-served not to base our value and worth as humans upon such small data points.    It is beneficial for our self-esteem to look at a number of aspects of ourselves when we are considering our value to the world.  It is doubtful that we would be a better wife, mother, friend, or employee if we lost those proverbial last five pounds.  Don’t allow your weight to define who you are!  While it’s healthy for us to eat well and exercise, obsessing about these things isn’t good for us.

Health Over Appearance

For much of my life, I risked my health for the sake of being thin and looking good.  I am now paying a large price for my past behavior in that I have a serious digestive disorder and a number of other health complaints.  I have learned the hard way how critical health is to living a happy and fulfilled life.  I have steadfastly vowed not to jeopardize my health for thinness moving forward.  Health comes first now and I approach eating in terms of what will help me to feel better and be healthier instead of on what tastes better or is lower in calories.

Love and Accept Yourself at All Weights

It’s okay to want to lose weight, especially if it will benefit your health.  It’s also okay to want to look better in clothes and feel lighter and airier.  However, you need to start from a place of kindness and compassion.  Criticism and self-hatred do not produce lasting change.  Changes that are grounded in self-acceptance have a much greater chance of becoming permanent.

Focus on Other Things

Don’t place too much focus or attention on what you look like.  Beauty fades and weight often fluctuates, but we are valuable and capable human beings nonetheless.  It is helpful to focus on our goals, the people we love, and the contribution we can make to the world.

We feel good about ourselves when we accomplish things which make us proud and when we do good things for other people, including those whom we’ve never met.  The people you help don’t care about the size of your thighs, and when you place your focus outside of yourself, you will care less about that, too!

2 thoughts on “Searching For Balance

  1. Judy Anne says:

    I seem to have a set point where I can styt pretty close to the same weight unless I go ways off my usual eating habits, which especially happens when we are traveling. I can usually lose that weight pretty easily but for some reason getting below that point is almost impossible. I think I’d have to go on a really low calorie diet and count how much I eat every day. I’d like to weigh 5 or 10 pounds less but I haven’t been that low for a couple of decades so it may not be realistic.

    I do weigh myself occasionally. It can alert me to any big weight gain so I can watch what I eat for a while. I think if you wait too long it can make getting your weight back on track seem more overwhelming. OTOH weighing every day is crazy for me as my salt intake can make a difference of 2 or 3 pounds from day to day.

    1. debbier says:

      Judy, You seem to have a healthy and balanced outlook on this. We can save ourselves a lot of grief by accepting our natural set point instead of battling against it. I have a friend who is CONSTANTLY on a diet because she wants to weigh at least 10 pounds less than what she really should weigh. She gets there for a week or two but can’t stay there. Then she’s back on a diet once again… I have adjusted my “ideal weight” up a bit in recent years because, like you, I couldn’t get and stay at the lower weight without serious deprivation. I would rather weigh a bit more than live my life obsessing about every calorie I put in my mouth!

      I think you look great as you are! You have learned to dress to maximize your shape and you always look good. I am working on doing the same… I think that weighing oneself once a week or every couple of weeks can be a good thing. I still make the number mean too much, so I weigh myself less frequently. However, I did weigh myself last week. I thought the number would be lower, but before I stepped on the scale, I felt good about my weight and shape. I keep remembering that when the thoughts of the number pop into my head. I am doing better with my thoughts and attitudes overall, and hope to soon be more accepting of myself and my body!

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